It’s easy and fun to use sex toys as part of a well-rounded solo sex life. But what about when it comes to partnered sex? Using your favorites in front of and with a partner can be extremely hot and, if it’s your first time, seem like it could be extremely awkward. What do you even do together? What if your partner feels threatened? What if your partner doesn’t like your sex toys? What if they like them too much and you never see them (the sex toys, not the partner) ever again? What if you just can’t figure out what goes where?
But for people who love using sex toys alone, using them with a partner can be too good to let a few awkward questions stand in the way. For most of us, it’s easier to orgasm with a sex toy than with manual stimulation alone. For all of us, trying new things can be a great way to explore and have fun.
Here’s what you need to know about using a sex toy with a partner for the first time, including how to talk about it and how to explore together.
How To Tell Your Partner You Want To Use A Sex Toy During Sex
The best way to bring up using a sex toy during sex is not during sex. Introducing new things in the moment can seem fun and spontaneous but can often lead to a stressed-out partner. Instead, bring it up well before you head to the bedroom. You probably don’t need to a “we need to talk”-level sit-down conversation, but try something like:
“I was thinking – it just so happens that my vibrator is fully charged today, and I’d love to use it together later.”
“I was reading an article about how it can be fun to use sex toys with a partner and I’d love to try it together.”
“I’ve been really into using my butt plug alone, and I’d love to mix it up during our date tomorrow by wearing a butt plug while I fuck you.”
The key is to keep the conversation casual, have it in advance, and make it about a shared experience.
What If Your Partner Feels Threatened By The Idea Of Having A Threesome With You, Them, And Your Sex Toy?
First of all, stop thinking about it like a threesome between you, your partner, and your sex toy. Sex toys are tools. The human body has many skills but vibrating at thousands of RPM is not one of them (if it is: call me), so reaching for something that does should be a non-issue. But unfortunately, a lot of people – including sometimes ourselves – have misconceptions about what it means to reach for a sex toy during sex.
If you can, try to reframe any insecurity into an idea of mutual pleasure. For instance, if it normally takes you forever to come during penetration without a vibrator, you could share that you love coming around their fingers or penis and want to make sure you get to experience that. If you normally fake an orgasm and want to stop doing that (definitely stop doing that), but don’t want to tell your partner you’ve been faking until now, you could try saying that sometimes your butt plug like this one makes you multi-orgasmic and you want to try to experience that together. If you need oral to come and they normally get neck pains before it happens, pitch your sucking vibrator as a way to make their life easier.
Everyone deserves a partner who is excited to explore together and up for doing anything enthusiastically consensual that feels good, especially when it’s as simple as using a sex toy during sex. If you’ve asked for what you need and your partner feels too threatened or negative about it to get on board, it might be time to examine your relationship and whether you want to remain part of it.
How Do You Actually Use A Sex Toy During Sex?
So what do you do the first time you use a sex toy with a partner? Here are a few ideas:
If you want to receive penetration, try a cowgirl- (or cowboy or cowperson)-style position with your partner lying down and you straddling them. Then use your sex toy while you ride them. If you have a clit, we recommend the P. Cat, a sucking vibrator that’s easy to angle to keep out of the way of penetration.
If you’re using a butt plug, wear the butt plug either while being fucked in a different hole, or while fucking or going down on your partner. We love the Bob Vibe for its wireless controls, range of vibrations, and the rimming-esque rotating beads in its base.
And the best way to use a sex toy with a partner for the first time? Mutual masturbation. Masturbating in front of someone can feel intimate, vulnerable, visually stimulating, and super hot. It’s also a great way to share what types of touch you like. You’re already comfortable using your sex toy alone, so show off in front of your partner and explore together from there.