Should I Use a Dildo If I’m a Virgin?
Barret - Nov 01 2021
Virginity is an outdated construct. Someone’s “first time” is often defined by penetrative, penile-vaginal sex. But is that true? Nope — not necessarily!
There are a few things wrong with the idea of “losing your virginity.” But, like sexual freedom philosopher Nicolle Hodges suggests, maybe “sexual debut” is a better way of understanding this.
First of all, you don’t “lose” anything by having sex. Instead, you gain an experience — just like the first time you rode a bike, traveled on a plane, or went bungee jumping. You didn’t lose anything, did you? Exactly. The same truth applies to sex.
Secondly, people refer to virginity as someone who hasn’t had penetrative sex, as I mentioned. But the problem is this definition discounts many people’s experiences. What if you aren’t straight? What if you aren’t cisgender? What if you’ve been in non-consensual sexual settings?
The truth is, sex shouldn’t be about technicalities. No one else can tell you what is or isn’t your first time. Maybe you didn’t enjoy penetration initially, but you did the fifth time or with your sixth partner. Or perhaps you felt born again the first time you had an orgasm.
So with that said, my use of the term “virgin” throughout this piece acknowledges its outdated nature. Still, it will refer to people who have not experienced penetrative sex — for the sake of clarity and consistency.
Penetration can be intimidating if you haven’t experienced it before, even if you’ve enjoyed other sexual acts. But can dildos help? Or will they hurt? Let’s get into it!
Should I Use a Dildo If I’m a Virgin?
Despite anything you may have heard from friends, social media, or partners, there’s nothing wrong with masturbating — dildo or not.
It’s perfectly natural (and encouraged!) to explore your sexuality on your own. If you’re nervous about having penetrative sex for the first time, using a dildo to masturbate can help you feel more comfortable and confident.
One of the best parts? You can go at your own pace. While partners should never pressure you into any sexual act — and they also shouldn’t rush you to go faster than you’re comfortable with — it can be intimidating to have something inside you for the first time.
Even if your partner isn’t pressuring or rushing you, it can be easier to relax when you’re the only one around.
But let’s get one thing straight: you don’t have to be experienced with a dildo to have sex for the first time. It’s up to you!
Regardless of your experience, your partner should respect you and your boundaries. They can’t know if you don’t tell them, though! If they’re going too fast, tell them. If you need more lube, let them know.
So if you’re only interested in using a dildo before penetrative sex because you don’t want your partner to treat you differently if you’re inexperienced, that may be a red flag. A good partner will listen and give you what you need.
Whether you’ve used a dildo before your first penetrative sex experience with a partner or not, every sexual activity requires consent. That means everyone involved needs to be giving an enthusiastic “yes” the whole time. And yep, you can withdraw consent, or your boundaries can change at any point. You’re allowed to adjust your comfort. I encourage you to check in with your partner the whole time.
Back to dildos, though. It’s up to you if you want to give them a go before having penetrative sex. It’s not a requirement, but it’s not wrong.
Is It Dangerous to Use a Dildo If You’re a Virgin?
No. It’s not dangerous to use a dildo if you’re a virgin — or at any point in your sexual journey. However, there are some safety tips and myths we should go over.
Myth 1. Using a Dildo Means You Aren’t a Virgin Anymore
Most people agree that dildo masturbation doesn’t mean you aren’t a virgin. If we use the classic penile-vaginal definition of sex and losing your virginity, this checks out. Although some dildos may resemble penises, they aren’t actual genitals. So if you’re worried that you can’t use sex toys because they’ll take your virginity, I say you’re in the clear.
On the other hand, if you believe that your first time is whatever you want it to be, then maybe you will consider dildo masturbation to be your sexual debut. If that’s what rings true for you, then that’s great!
There’s no way universal way to prove your virginity or lack thereof. It’s not like a passport! So whatever feels right to you is correct.
Myth 2. Penetration “Pops Your Cherry”
The concept of “popping your cherry” is slang for breaking your hymen. And there’s a lot wrong with this.
The hymen is a piece of thin, fleshy tissue near the vaginal open that can be different on all bodies.
It’s a common myth that penetrative sex causes this tissue to break and bleed, leading to the “popping your cherry” analogy.
The truth is that most hymens only partially cover the vaginal opening. However, some people don’t have a hymen at all, while others may cover the entire opening. In this case, minor surgery may be needed so menstrual blood can pass through.
So no, penetration doesn’t tear a hole in the hymen. However, it can stretch this tissue. If this happens, it is possible for bleeding to occur. It’s not a given, though!
A bit of bleeding isn’t something that should or shouldn’t happen the time you engage in penetration. It’s okay either way as long as you’re comfortable. But note that blood can also point to a lack of lubrication, so lube it up!
Myth 3. Partners Can Tell If You’ve Experienced Penetration Before
100% false. No one — not your partner, not your parents, not even a doctor — can tell if you’ve had sex. The only way they can know is if you tell them!
For the record, vaginas are highly flexible. I mean, they can stretch enough for childbirth without significant permanent changes. So, no, nobody can tell if you’ve used a dildo or had penetrative sex before.
And the whole idea of vaginal “tightness” vs. “looseness?” Nope — it doesn’t mean anything about your sexual history. In reality, the more relaxed and turned on you are, the more your vaginal muscles will “loosen.” So actually, thinking tighter is better is pretty backward!
Quick wellness tip: if your doctor asks if you’re sexually active, they don’t care what kind of sex you’re having. Any form of sex counts in the medical world and should be disclosed when a health care worker asks. This isn’t meant to embarrass or shame you. Instead, it’s to keep you healthy. Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) can be transmitted through any form of sex, so it’s important to be honest.
Myth 4. You Shouldn’t Masturbate Before Having Sex
People masturbate. That’s a fact of life. It doesn’t make you “dirty” or less “pure,” and it doesn’t make your first time any less real. No one should be shaming you for your personal sex life, and that applies to masturbation and partnered sex.
It’s your body. You get to decide how little or how much sex you want to have, and you get to determine if it’s solo or partnered. As long as everything you’re doing is consensual, shame should never be a part of sex.
Dildos or Sex Toys Suitable for Virgins
All sex toys can be used by anyone regardless of sexual history. However, if you’ve never engaged in penetrative play at all, there are some things to consider.
You may want to ask yourself the following questions:
- How large is the toy?
- Does it vibrate?
- Is there clitoral stimulation?
- Is it discreet or realistic?
- Are you using it for anal play? (Make sure it has a flared base!)
So, now that you have an idea of what you’re searching for, take a look at these Tracy’s Dog sex toys perfect for virgins (or anyone):
Teal Vibe Dildo Vibrator
Simple. Sleek. Sophisticated. That’s the Teal Vibe Dildo Vibrator. This baby is perfect for trying a penetrative toy that doesn’t look like a penis. Designed to be finger-shaped (but thicker), this 10-mode vibrator dildo is welcoming and hits all the right spots.
Rainbow Dildo
The Rainbow dildo is one of the only old-fashioned, penis-shaped, non-vibrating dildos on this list. And don’t get me wrong! It’s not because dildos aren’t great, but rather because this is the smallest, most approachable one.
With base suction strong enough to hold it in place anywhere and a fun, Pride-like rainbow coloring, it’s a classic dildo for those new and experienced.
Goldfinger G Spot Vibrator
The truth is: vaginal orgasms are much harder to come by than it seems. That’s right — nothing’s wrong with you if penetration alone doesn’t get you off. But that’s where the Goldfinger G Spot Vibrator comes into play.
It may look a bit odd, but the three-round balls at the toy’s head directly stimulate the G-spot for ultimate pleasure. The vibes are unreal — literally.
Jelly Dong Realistic Dildo
Realistic enough, while still amusingly purple, the Jelly Dong dildo is an excellent option for beginners. It’s slightly thicker than the Rainbow but features a different texture. As the name suggests, the Jelly Dong is soft to the touch yet has a firm interior. A great first toy!
OG Sucking Vibrator
You know that purple suction vibrator that went viral in 2020? That’s this one. It’s not any old dildo or vibrator — it features a clitoral suction vibe alongside a 10-mode G-spot piece.
If you’re timid about penetration, those dreamy clit sensations can be a game-changer. Insert the toy, turn on the external clit and internal vibes (together or separately), and enjoy.
How to Use a Dildo as a Virgin
Virgins don’t have to use dildos any differently than anyone else!
Everyone is unique in what feels good to them, so using your toy is largely up to you. Still, here are some tips to get you started:
1. Wash up. It’s essential to wash your toy before using it each and every time — even if you just unboxed it. Scrub it with some warm water and mild unscented soap or toy cleaner, rinse, and dry.
2. Get it slippery. Lube makes penetration easier, more comfortable, and safer. Water-based lubricants are universally loved for their compatibility with sex toys (including silicone ones) and condoms. Whether or not you’ve experienced penetrative sex, lube should be involved.
3. Go slow. Foreplay isn’t just for partnered sex! Get in the mood by doing whatever turns you on. Put on your hottest outfit, light some candles, read some erotica — anything that gets you going. Try gently touching your thighs, neck, nipples, clitoris, or wherever. Then, stimulate yourself with a (lubed) finger or two before moving to your toy.
The more turned on you are, the more comfortable your toy may feel. Go as slowly as you’d like. Let yourself get accustomed to the feeling before moving your dildo around.
4. Enjoy yourself. Masturbating with a dildo may or may not lead to an orgasm. That’s okay! Many people don’t climax from penetration alone, so don’t feel pressured to “finish.” Just do what feels good for as long as you’d like.
5. Clean up. Once you’re done, wash or rinse the toy and put it away. If you need, toss your sheets in the wash. Water-based lube comes off with water! And don’t forget to pee to prevent those UTIs.
Other Tips You need to Consider
Are there other things you should know before trying dildo masturbation? You bet!
There are a few tips to consider before getting into it:
- Keep your sex toys clean. Anything going into your body should be hygienic and body-safe. Make sure you wash before every single use. Yes, you heard that right. Every use.
- Beware of sharing sex toys. Did you know that you can transmit STIs by sharing sex toys? That’s another reason to clean them between every use thoroughly. While sharing toys isn’t the best, if you’re going to do it, wrap the toy in a condom each time to lower your risk of transmission.
- You may need to be a certain age to purchase a sex toy. In some places, you may not be able to buy a dildo if you’re a minor. Keep this in mind before you go shopping!
- Use a lube that’s appropriate for your toy and body. Silicone-based lubricants may sound like they’d pair well with silicone sex toys, but they don’t! Instead, silicone-based lubes can break down your toy’s surface. On the other hand, oil-based ones aren’t compatible with condoms and are more likely to cause yeast infections. Water-based works best in most situations.
- Penetrative sex and dildo masturbation feel different. It’s no secret that masturbation and partnered sex are different experiences. You may prefer one experience to another or view them as the separate entities that they are. Remember, all penises are different, so none will feel exactly like your dildo.
Are There Disadvantages of Dildo Masturbation?
Generally speaking, no, there aren’t disadvantages to masturbation. If you enjoy it, that’s amazing! Continue doing you.
However, everyone experiences sex differently, so some people may not love it. That’s also totally normal. If that sounds like you, here are some potential reasons why it’s not for you:
- Lack of stimulation. Penetration alone may not be stimulating enough for you, and you certainly aren’t alone. One study showed only 6% of cisgender women reach orgasm solely through vaginal penetration. So try giving your clit some love too!
- It may be uncomfortable. If you’re nervous, stressed, or not in the mood, there’s a good chance your pelvic muscles are tensed. Adding a dildo into that mix may be downright uncomfortable. If sex is painful, it could signify a bigger issue, including infection, vaginismus, or endometriosis. In this case, check-in with a health care professional.
- You’re on your own. While solo sex can be great for many people, not everyone loves it. If interpersonal intimacy is a big turn-on, you may not enjoy dildo masturbation as much as partnered sex. Engaging in some self-love acts that connect you to yourself may help!
- Dildos don’t feel good for everyone. Sex isn’t a one-size-fits-all activity. Some actions just may not feel pleasurable to you, and that doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you. It also doesn’t mean you have to keep engaging in that type of sex.
Final Thoughts
Anyone can use a dildo or any other sex toy regardless of their sexual history. If you’ve never engaged in penetrative sex before, you may want to opt for a smaller dildo, one that’s less realistic looking, or a toy that includes clitoral stimulation. Engage in whatever feels pleasurable to you, and skip things that don’t. Have fun!